These sweatpants are all that fit me right now.
When I was about 9 I was walking home from my elementary school's ice cream social. There were games, dunk tanks, and yes, a good old-fashioned cake walk. On this particular year I won a 6-pack of chocolate cupcakes. I ate one on the walk home. Then another. Then another. Then I was home and I was up in my bedroom and I remember thinking "nobody knows I have these cupcakes" and so I ate the other three. They got all backed up in my throat I ate them so fast because I was TERRIFIED my mother would walk in at any moment. You may not know my mom but we grew up with "the 2 cookie rule" amongst other things and 6 cupcakes is intervention worthy in my family. So, there I stood in my bedroom gulping and praying I wouldn't die--you know that feeling when you think your throat might burst? Usually happens to me with spoonfuls of peanut butter...but that's another story.
My mom never found out that I ate 6 cupcakes and I did not die from choking on the last three that I stuffed into my mouth. It's been 20 years since I did that and I vividly remember it. Memory is so bizarre, I can't remember my middle-school teachers names or the capitol song we had to sing 900 times in grade school. Shoving 6 cupcakes in my mouth in less than 15 minutes? Lifelong memory.
Our whole lives we change. Change is the only thing that is constant. From our abilities, knowledge, friends, experiences, and the list goes on--we are constantly changing. But there are something’s that just keep popping up. The cupcake incident of 1995 was the beginning of something in my life that I am constantly trying to change. If left alone with a cake I will eat the whole thing. Doesn't really seem like that big of deal, we don't just have cakes beautifully displayed in our kitchen tempting me from their glass domed stands. But it does represent something about myself that bugs me more than anything. I am not always in control and sometimes I am even a little self-destructive.
I always feel better when I eat healthy, get sleep, exercise, and do things--anything but sit and watch a screen. I always feel worse when I indulge in heavy foods, stay up too late, get lazy, and hole up in my house for days. I'm still eating, sleeping, doing activity--but I choose to do the ones that make me feel like shit automatically and have to make an effort to do the things that make me feel better. But they're the same set of things...just two choices. This absolutely baffles me.
A couple years ago I was teaching a public speaking class and my students were filing in and taking their seats. I cheerfully asked how everyone was doing? One young woman stared at me with a blank face, pointed to the window, and said "it's raining". I was thankful for the weather update but that isn't actually what I asked. But there was the rain and rain is for staying out of and gray is for moping.
That's why I eat the cake because the cake is there and the cake is for eating. The couch is for sitting. Shows are for binging. And whatever is available when I am hungry is for dinner.
I've been reading this book called "The New Bohemians Handbook" by Justina Blakeney. I follow @thejungalow on Instagram and that's one of the author's accounts and where I first saw this beauty. To be honest, I bought the book because it was beautiful--great coffee table book (That's my copy on my very own coffee table, and no, I don't get anything for giving love to this author and book). I was pleasantly surprised that the contents of the book were not only useful, but written in a way that made me want to read it and I even think the author and I might be friends if we ever met--it's that kind of book.
Anyhow, this book goes through how to curate a space that you want to be in. From cleaning, de-cluttering, to Feng Shui, and learning about crystals and your own personal style--this book is packed full of useful information. Have you ever thought about why we put couches where we do or TVs or bookcases? For function, right? The main room in our home has a TV mounted on the wall and furniture all facing in a manner to best see the TV. So, this is the TV room, not the living room, right? My point is that of course you're going to be drawn to watch the TV when it's perfectly facing toward the couch that was made for sitting and lying upon and the throw blankets that cocoon you and the coffee table that holds your snacks (or maybe they're right on top of your lap or chest). What if we changed our space to reflect the other set of options? You know, the options of food and activity that make us feel good?
This is something I'm working on. Functional space. MY functional space, not some magazine's flow, but what works for my lifestyle--the one I really want to have and not the one I sometimes fall into. I've slowly been working on moving things where I want them and having things out that I use and things stored that I don't. Like I put away my retro teal stand mixer and replaced it with my juicer. Yeah, the stand mixer is super cool and definitely a staple for wedding registries but I actually use the juicer. I tried to take down the TV in the "living room"--actually I did--but my husband was so dumbfounded I thought he might keel over. We compromised and I put it back but added some plants around it. The cat didn't give a shit as long as we don't EVER cover the heat vent. Zeus loves to have his hair blow in the gentle breeze of the dry furnace air.
I'm sitting here, blogging, in my sweatpants and thinking about what I've been working on with the house recently and I think I can make this work for my other habits. If I want to practice yoga everyday I need to not roll my mat up in a corner. If I don't want to eat an entire king-sized Harmony bar when I get home from celebrating NYE at 1 am then I shouldn't keep that sitting out.
I'm currently making some hemp protein squares, chia pudding, and getting my fruit ready for my morning juice. It's a choice. These sweatpants ARE incredible, but next week I have to go back to work and I have to wear pants, real pants, and I'd like to not notice them. The best pants are the kind you forget you're wearing and that is incredibly hard to do when they're riding up your crotch and digging into your gut. This is not a New Years Resolution. This is me recognizing that I know exactly what I need to do to feel good and now I need to put things in my path that fit the life I want.